Chapter 1. What's Next?

1. Things have been difficult for a long time. Is there a place I can go to talk about what to do next?

Yes. You may want to talk it out with someone before you decide whether to stay or go. You can talk with the staff at women's centers, battered women's programs, or mental health agencies. Some of these organizations are listed in the resource section at the back of this manual. Others can be found in the first few pages of your local telephone book in the self help section.

2. Sometimes I feel my partner is battering me, but he has never hit me. What is battering anyway?

Battering comes in many forms. It is an attempt to control and overpower another person or situation. Batterers engage in many different forms of abuse. Physical abuse, the most obvious method of abuse, includes pushing, shoving, hitting, biting, throwing things at a person, using a weapon, forced sex, rape, and so forth.
Other forms of abuse are less obvious and harder to identify. As a result women often are not sure if what is happening to them is abuse. Some examples may be:

• isolation: controlling who you see and talk to; wanting to control where you are all the time;
• emotional abuse: name calling; putting you down; playing mind games; humiliating you in public;
• economic abuse: taking your money; making you ask for money; controlling all the money;
• sexual abuse: treating you like a sex object; forcing you to have sex when you don't want to;
• using children: using visitation as a way to harass you; pumping the children for information about you; insulting you in front of the children;
• threats: saying he will take the children; telling you that you will never see the children again; threatening to hurt you; threatening to report you to welfare or DSS; threatening to harm your family; threatening to harm himself;
• using male privilege: treating you like a servant; making the big decisions; and
• intimidation: using looks; harming pets; destroying your property. 
  

Please take a look at the "Equality Wheel" and the "Power and Control Wheel" prepared by the Duluth (Minnesota) Abuse Intervention Project. The wheels give more examples of abusive and non-abusive behavior and might help you think about your situation.

3. I feel so alone. Are many women in this situation?

Domestic violence is one of the most serious public health threats facing women in the United States today. Millions of women are beaten by their partner or ex-partner every year. In 2004, according to the Massachusetts Trial Court Department, almost 35,000 civil protective orders were sought in Massachusetts courts.  The majority of these orders were sought by women. (See Chapter 5).

4. What if I can't leave now?

Some women are threatened with worse harm if they leave. Others are economically dependent on their partner. A first step is to look at what is possible for you and your family given your present circumstances. You may be able to use many of the options we discuss in this manual even if you do not leave your partner. Consider going to counseling to help you decide whether or not you want to continue the relationship.

5. My partner promises to change and says it will never happen again. I want to believe this is true. What if it isn't true?

Often batterers play "games." Women who have not been helped to anticipate these "games" can be forced to stay in or return to relationships only to find promises very short lived. Take a look at "Games Batterers Play”. Has your partner done or said some of the things described there? You know your situation better than anyone else. Only you can decide what the best decision for now is.

6. Should I have a plan?

Yes. Battering involves a pattern of chronic abuse in which the survivor often feels trapped and physically at risk. A Personalized Safety Plan will help you think ahead about things such as:

• what you can do during a violent incident;
• safety if you have time to plan to leave;
• safety even when your partner is not living there;
• safety on the job, at school, in public; and
• safety through the courts.

See the Personalized Safety Plan

7. I am thinking about moving out of state with my children. Would this be a problem?

You should check with a lawyer if you plan to move your children out of state. The answer to this question is beyond the scope of this manual. Whether you may move or not depends on the specific circumstances of your case. You should consult an attorney to review the important facts in your situation. Generally, important facts include:

• why you want to move out of state;
• whether the move will improve the children's quality of life;
• whether you are married to the father of your children or not;
• whether you are divorced or in the process of seeking a divorce;
• what kind of relationship the other parent has with the children;
• whether there are any prior court orders involving the children;
• whether you suspect their father has filed or will file for custody; and
• many other considerations.
  

Often women need court permission to move to a new state. The court weighs many factors in allowing or denying removal of the children. If the children have been removed without the father's written permission or court permission, there is nothing to prevent the father from going to court seeking temporary custody of the children and an order that the children be returned to this jurisdiction. (See Chapter 6).

8. Can I get a 209A protective order even if we are together?

Yes. Even if you are still living together, you can get a 209A protective order that tells your partner not to abuse you, not to put you in fear, not to harm you, or not to force you to have sex. (See Chapter 5.)

9. What about a treatment program for my abusive partner?

The criminal court process can order your partner into a certified batterer intervention program. In addition, under a 209A protective order, the court may recommend or refer him to a certified batterer intervention program or alcohol treatment. These programs vary a lot. (For a list for the phone numbers and addresses of batterers intervention programs in your area, go to www.mass.gov.  The best way to find these programs is to simply type “Batterer Intervention Program” in the Search box in the upper right hand corner of the screen.  You will be taken to a list of links.  Scroll until you see a link for “Certified Batterer Intervention Programs” and click to find).  If your partner is in a program and you are contacted by them, you do not have to agree with their proposal. (See Chapter 5.) Violence is not a mutual problem; it is the abuser's problem and if he is not committed to changing, intervention will not make a difference.

10. What about a treatment program for me?

You may choose a program for yourself. You did not cause the violence, and you cannot control when and if your partner chooses to become violent and/or abusive. Some batterer intervention programs have support groups for the survivors of domestic violence whose partners are in the intervention program. These groups are confidential and entirely voluntary.

For your peace of mind, you may find a support group helpful. Many battered women's programs offer individual counseling and peer support groups.

In addition, if the Department of Social Services (DSS) is involved in your situation, you may have to go to a group as a condition of your service plan. (See Chapter 10.)

11. I want to leave, but the children want the family to stay together. What should I do?

It is important to trust your own judgment. You are the adult and responsible for making decisions that affect your children. Sometimes, after people have been battered for a long time, they start thinking they aren't worth very much and aren't capable of making decisions. Sometimes, they start depending on their children to decide because they don't trust themselves. Trust your own thinking.

12. My children love their father and want to see him. What should I do?

Separation from a parent is always difficult for children. Children who grow up seeing violence between their parents are often negatively affected in their later life. You have to decide what is best for your family. Allowing the children to visit with the abusive parent, as long as there is no danger to the children, is one way the children can have ongoing relationships with both parents. (See Chapter 7 for information on visitation and how to make it safe.)

13. I am afraid my children are being abused. What are the different kinds of abuse?

If you think your children are being abused, it is important that you take steps to protect them and prevent further abuse. Some types of abuse are when a child:

• witnesses or has witnessed domestic violence; or
• is or has been sexually abused, physically abused, or neglected (not fed, clothed, or otherwise cared for physically).

14. Is it a crime to abuse children?

Yes. Child abuse is a crime. (See also Chapter 4 and Chapter 10.)

15. Who can I talk to about my children and their safety?

Perhaps you will want to consult your battered women's program for referrals and guidance. When there is abuse, DSS, the state's child protective agency, can become involved. If the abuse is reported to DSS, DSS can investigate, write a report, offer services, or go to court to get custody of the children.

16. What can I do if I think my children are being abused?

If you think your child is being abused, take steps to stop and/or limit the contact with the suspected abuser. This could include limiting visitation with a parent as described in Chapter 7. You can also take your child to your doctor for an examination and talk with her.

You can try to file a criminal complaint. (See Chapter 4 of this manual.) If you suspect child abuse or neglect, you can call DSS or the Child Abuse Hotline: 1-800-792-5200. Before calling DSS, you might want to read Chapter 10 of this manual.

17. What if I can't protect my children?

Although you are not the one inflicting the abuse, it is a crime for a caretaker to "recklessly" permit anyone to cause "bodily injury" or "substantial bodily injury" to a child. You should try to get help for them if you can't protect them. (Mass. Gen. L. ch. 265 § 13J.) You can call DSS, or get help from friends, family or other agencies. DSS can help you, but DSS can also take custody of your children in certain situations. (See Chapter 10 for more information on DSS.)

18. Who should I contact if I think an elderly person is being abused, neglected or injured?

Special laws protect elders (60 and older) from abuse. If you know of or suspect that an elder is being abused, injured or neglected, you can make an anonymous complaint to the Elder Abuse Hotline at 1-800-922-2275.

19. Who should I contact if I think a disabled adult is being abused, neglected or injured?

Special laws also protect disabled adults who are abused, injured or neglected. For persons under 60, you can make an anonymous complaint to the Disabled Persons Protection Hotline at 1-800-426-9009. For persons over 60, call the Elder Abuse Hotline listed in the above question.

20. Is there special help for women who speak a language other than English?

This Manual is also available online in Spanish.  We hope that this manual will one day be translated into other languages as well. Western Mass. Legal Services, like other legal services programs, attempts to provide translation for those who need it. Our offices usually have Spanish-speaking staff on duty and can usually make arrangements for other interpreters. Call our office and let us know your needs. Shelters for battered women may also have translators available.

You are entitled to a translator if you go to court. The court is responsible for having an interpreter available but you will need to give advance notice to the court. Other task forces or groups for non-English speaking people are created from time to time, so check with your local battered women's program, mental health center, and legal services office for additional resources.

If you are an Asian woman who has been abused, there is a special project in Boston called the Asian Task Force Against Domestic Violence. The phone numbers are: general calls: 617-338-2350 and the hotline: 617-338-2355. They are also available online at www.atask.org. 

Women who are hearing impaired can call the Mass. Commission for the Deaf and Hard of Hearing in Boston at 1-800-882-1155 (voice) or 1-800-530-7570 (tty) for information about translators.

21. I am not a citizen of the United States. Who can I call with questions about immigration issues?

Immigration law is a very complex and confusing area of law. As a result, immigration issues are not dealt with in this manual. Since the result of making the wrong choice may be swift deportation, immigrants are right to be cautious about contacting the United States Citizen and Immigration Services (USCIS), formerly known as the Immigration and Naturalization Service (INS).  The USCIS website, however, is a very good source of information.  You can find them at www.uscis.gov.  For more information on various immigration projects contact:

Massachusetts Immigrant And Refugee Advocacy Coalition (MIRA) – Boston 617-350-5480.  They are also available online at www.miracoalition.org.  This website also provides a “Directory of Legal Services” that allows you to search for legal services in your area that will help you with immigration issues.  

The National Immigration Project of the National Lawyers Guild – Boston 617-227-9727.  They are also available online at www.nationalimmigrationproject.org.

The International Institute's Low Income Legal Assistance Project (LILAP) – Boston 617-695-9990.  They are also available online at www.iiboston.org.

22. I am an immigrant and battered by the person upon whom I am dependent. Is there special help for me?

Yes. Immigrant survivors of domestic violence have rights under the recent federal "Violence Against Women Act." Battered women and children should first consult an immigration specialist. For information, advocacy and resources on immigration issues in general, contact the agencies listed in Questions 20 and 21 above. These agencies may also be able to help with filing for immigration status under the Violence Against Women Act.